It isnt exactly PORN, as much as it is… verbal or written porn. I mean its fucked up, as it were. I mean its like reading the angry rantings of an idiot child.
its fun to read though.
take a look, wont you, fuckface?
Evilsquared.com, 3 idiots. One website. Its my personal space on the internet for posting things that arent cocks and twats.
For the record though, be prepared to be offended.
And buy a fucking t-shirt.
And Merry Christmas
More Porn Galleries from the Porn Cynic
More Porn Galleries from the Porn Cynic
More Porn Galleries from the Porn Cynic
Here is a nice list of porn galleries to get you through the weekend
havent posted on this blog for a while, for good reason.
But I wanted to make sure you halfwits who still come by here see the glory of the newest internet amateur, Carly Moore
Happy halloween from the porn cynics. I havent updated here in a long time, of course, been focusing on other projects. But, I wanted to make sure you guys saw this latest shitpile from met-art:
Met-Art Halloween 2005 and let me tell you get your fucking drunk glasses on for this ugly shit.
the girl basically looks like tina turner gone white, with bigger redder lips. I’d sooner fuck the jack o lantern.
Now, if you bathed her and brung her to me… 
Look, if your’e going to shoot some porn… even if you’re faking reality porn, please remove her goddamned nicotine patch.
Christ.
YOUR PORN IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.
What happened to the porn cynics? Well, I can speak for myself, I’m still alive ya filthy cocksuckers.
The problem with a site like the porn cynic is this. There are tons of bad porn out there. There are two ways to approach this problem, either produce good porn and sites and put them out there, or sit here and make fun of other peoples failings.
While it is fun to shit all over everyone else and I this site will always serve that purpose, I’ve got other projects I work on now. I do. Of course you know my original blog, Boogie-Blog.
Now check out my latest project Bitesized Sex Blog. Its kind of little chunks of funky porn and reviews of sites and sex stars and shit and I think overall you’ll dig whats going down there.
When I wake up in the morning I ask myself, would I rather shit on everyone else or bring you folks good porn via other channels? Well obviously i Love shitting on people so why not a bit of both?
But I hope this explains a lack of updates. 
there will always be more here from time to time though, be ready for it.
Generally I love whats coming out of met-art but try this on for size.
Hilarious? right? Rest of the gallery is here
that girl is fine but that shot … how does that make the final cut!
Seriously.
I mean … ok, ITS STIFFLERS MOM. ITS STIFFLERS MOM. say it again ITS STIFFLERS MOM.
Well, I woke up this afternoon (fuck you its sunday) to an email from a reader letting me know that there is a gallery that’s making the rounds. Apparantly people think its ‘artsy’ and ‘fartsy’ and all together sexy or whatever. I dont get it. I think its stupid. Neither did the person who emailed it to me. In fact he said:
Our reader nails it. Look, folks, there is nothing easier in this world than making pornography. The formula is really simple.
1) naked people
2) camera
3) dont fuck it up
Here is a good example of fucking it up. This basically a perfect example of fucking it up. Why? Look at your fucking model. Oh you cant because she’s in the fucking dark with tony soprano on her pussy.
This murdered my erection. It dumped it in concrete, through it in the lake, and/or other various anti-itallian stereotypes of ways it could have murdered my pizza. My favorite being that it sliced it up and used it as pepperoni on a pizza but that’s just gross. Also the last girl that sucked my cock didnt say it tasted like pepperoni so its stupid too.
Thanks to the person who sent this in. You sir are a patron saint of the porn cynic. For those of you who find this kind of shit let us know because if you hate it we’re bound to hate it too. Nothing easier in my life than shitting on whats already shitty.
I’m not sure I agree with the submitter that the model is sub-par though. Truth is I’ve given more than a couple hundred bucks to stripper that werent that attractive just to grind my crotch through my pants. Hey here is a tip, dont wear underwear and get a slim pair of jogging pants that feel pretty good on your cock. Makes it a worth the 200 bucks
Now to get this models phone number, my camera, and turn off my projection screen…
I sure do. There’s nothing better than watching two hot girls licking each other relentlessly. Or better yet, using a dildo on each other. That’s good T.V.! This gallery here, ya know, I kinda dig it. The girls aren’t bad looking, they look like girls I could see walking down the street, which is a plus for me when it comes to fantasies. And they’re the good kind of lesbians, none of that poetry reading, Birkenstock wearing bullshit here, boys!
The site this promotes is called “Her First Lesbian Sex” and I’m gathering that the fantasy is that they grab amateur girls, and talk them into having lesbian sex. Or, they are girls who are interested in doing it, and figure why not get paid and do it on camera for all these perverts to see. Either way, it’s a decent idea. This gallery pretty much, gives you a prime example of what you’ll see: a girl dyking it out for “the first time”, as displayed by that Oscar-nomination-worthy look on the actress’s face. It’s all too believable in that “not-at-all” sense.
The photography isn’t ba…………..AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I ALMOST SAID THAT WITHOUT LAUGHING! Honestly, the photographer that shot this must have…: A: just got out of a high school photography course, B: found a camera on the ground and thought he could take pictures for a living, C: been dropped as a child. Seriously, look at this shit. In four of the pictures you see a video camera. YOU. SEE. A. VIDEO. CAMERA. What!? Not only is it a video camera, but in two of those pictures, there’s some dude attached to it. Hi, I like lesbian porn. Know why? No random dudes! My favorite part is the pictures of shoulders or just sitting around looking at something. I mean, it’s supposed to be “mid action” and guess what? It’s time to see some freckles on someone’s shoulder! Boo ya! Orgasm time! Except, not really.
Aside from blank stares, obligatory shoulders, and strange men filming, I’d say this gallery isn’t half bad. The other half? Who cares, the dude standing there for no particular reason ruined anything good that could come from this gallery.
Nudity? We don’t need no stinkin’ nudity!
So, here we have a porn gallery that is made to promote “JustFacials.com”. As you can guess, that site specializes in wads of cum hitting girls’ faces. The problem with this gallery lies in the fact that we don’t even see a facial. Or even a penis. Or a vagina. Or tits. What do we see? A trailer trash bitch that looks like she just got punched in the face with a fist of make-up. The bleached hair is like icing on the cake. She has on a “string top”( I think that’s what they’re called). I dont know, essentially it’s a tank top with thin loops that wrap over your shoulders. This shirt would be sexy if I couldn’t see her bra under it every single picture. Seriously, are you that afraid of showing yourself that you will even wear a bra during a porn shoot? Maybe that would explain those crosses on her ears. She wants to do porn, but she doesn’t want to upset the Jesus. Guess what, lady? He was on a cross 2000 years ago, he hung out with whores, show us your tits, praise Jesus.
Honestly, how can you even get aroused looking at this monstrosity? She doesn’t EVER GET NAKED. In ONE picture, we almost get to see her vagina, but instead she has panties on. The best part about that picture, also, is the fact that even though you get to see between her legs? The retarded (I mean this quite literally) look on her face steals all of your attention and you’re left feeling almost bad for her. In fact, now that I’m overlooking the gallery again I’m finding in over 60% of the pictures, she has a look on her face that just makes you want to punch yourself in the eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if this gallery sent a lot of hits, though, since I’m sure every guy who is looking at this bitch is just wishing someone would come over and blow a wad of cum on that stupid fucking expression.
One of the funniest parts about this gallery lies in the middle banner.
“CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE HOT STICKY FACIALS!”
Wait, what? More? How about you show me at least one so I can decide if it’s worth checking out more or not. The top banner is also quite funny, “These girls never know they are being video taped” They don’t? Then how come in two of the pictures they’re LOOKING RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA? Hear that siren? It’s the logic police. And they’re pissed.
Well good news, the blair witch has changed her mind about killing people and has apparantly decided to start hardcore fucking in the woods.
This goth porn is a little scary.
I like goth girls. I do, I’ve had my share. I’m more than glad to pick one up in a bar, I’d take one home to mom. I think the culture has some ready appeal.
Here is a list of things that arent goth though
1) standing in the fucking woods with a candle
2) being naked and cold as fuck apparantly
3) standing in what looks like poison ivy.
Or hey maybe I dont really get both but maybe having a rash on your cunt from poison ivy and holding a candle (its black, oh snap emo emo emo) is part of it.
I know that theoretically goth chicks arent supposed to enjoy things but this particular girl is really, really not enjoying this layout. Even if this layout could have given me wood the fact that she looks like a prisoner is probably going to kill my erection for life.
But hey since this is an ad for a BDSM site its probably true, she’s probably a prisoner, and you should dial 911.
I do like the belt a lot though, it reminds me of a chastity belt that has gone entirely wrong since I can see her vagina.
To finish out our week of old folks I figured I’d share a gallery from one of my weirder sponsors, Fuck Me Grandpa. Yup.
That is a man, older than hell, getting hotter pussy than most of us may ever dare to dream of. It almost makes me want to cry. Its amazing what 600 dollars can do. Fuck someone send me 600 dollars.
The girl is absolutely stunning in my opinion. Great face, hair, body, everything. Did I mention I wish I had her number and 600 dollars? The man is pretty well built for being 9000 years old and the signs of “viagra” are nowhere to be seen. You’ll notice in some porn people get red genitals or a red face while performing. These are the signs of someone who are popping the blue stingers to keep their wood and ability to perform. These folks are the death of the adult performer btw, that blue pill made it to where almost all men can perform on film, as long as you dont mind genitals that look like a baboon’s red and swollen ass.
But not gramps. He’s riding in stile with a natural non red erection, but one has to wonder who couldnt with such an incredible girl jacking me off with her feet. Yeah there I said it. She’s letting him fuck her feet and why? I know about 600 reasons and they’re all george washington.
further proof that if you’ve got a digital camera, a website url, enough money and an account at a model site you too can be fucking the finest women in the world.
And this is why I never ‘pop in’ to my parents’ house.
I remember a time. A time when male porn models had to have certain dimensions to be in porn. They had to be in shape, or if they weren’t, they’d have to have enormous genitalia to make up for it. Apparently, that doesn’t matter to the folks over at Perverted Grannies. I guess they realize their content is so fucking nasty they’ll take anyone willing to participate in their Ben Gay hump fest. Not only that but I think this guy may be “mentally handicapped”.
This gallery is so perplexing to me, it’s promoting “perverted grannies” and yet the “granny” doesn’t take anything off, or even show anything. I mean, fuck, we don’t even see her face, just that stupid fucking sundress. It’s like a showcase for Retarded Bob and his 2 inch wang.
Each time I force myself to gaze upon these pictures, I feel more and more uneasy. And I think I just now put my finger on why. It feels like I’m looking at my parents having sex. Like this is a real couple (which is entirely possible) and they’re just getting down for their yearly combination of penile dysfunction and vaginal dryness. Ah well, I guess they needed to do something to spice their sex up. That something? Doing a photoshoot for a porn site.
Happy Anniversary Mr. and Mrs. Retarded Bob.
I’m going to come right out and say I’m not a fan of hentai in the slightest. However, I know the difference between good hentai, and terrible hentai. This is worse than terrible hentai. I mean seriously, look at it. The drawing is absolutely atrocious. I could piss in the snow and make characters that look more polished than this trash. It’s fucking insane to think that someone drew this and thought it was good enough to use to promote their site. Wow.
Look at what’s going on, some bitch with hot pink nipples (what the shit?) being tortured, I guess. I don’t even know. Her torture must be getting fucked by Robocock over here. Why would this “guy” be interested in fucking anyway? His dick is clearly not organic, unless of course the artist completely fucked up the coloring (which is more than possible with this particular gallery). Maybe he’s the RoboRaper 9000 and his prime objective is to find naked girls that are locked up and fuck them in various positions. I’d love some insight on this, honestly.
These pictures don’t even make me laugh, they’re just so terrible that I feel sorry for the person who is honestly into hentai and wants to get their wank on.
One thing about this gallery that does make me laugh, is the advertising text. “HOT STUFF WITH BARELY LEGAL TOONS” …barely legal toons? Wait a second. Are the toons supposed to be just 18, and thus in the magic world of make believe where cybernetic rapists fuck restrained fluorescent nippled girls, this girl is just barely legal? Or is it that the cartoons themselves are “barely legal” and dancing on the line of the legality of pornographic drawings? Either way it’s just downright ridiculous.
I think the worst part about this gallery is that I can’t even use it when I make my broad generalizations of hentai, and why I hate it. This clearly isn’t hentai, there’s no 36 inch cock fucking some triple F breasted woman so deep the dickhead comes out of her nose. Hire someone who has actually viewed hentai to make your porn, please “Extreme Toon Sex”. At least then the girls may look somewhat attractive.
Well, i was under the impression that in most states it was impossible for someone who is mentally deficient to consent to sexual things including sexual photography but apparantly i was wrong.
Zap Zap BOOM BOOM I AM PLAYING STARWARS
yup. Wow.
so what we’ve got here is a midly attractive woman IN THE OUTER SPACE. Or maybe she thinks she’s playing space man. Or maybe she thinks she’s in space. Or maybe she doesnt think at all like Terry Shiavo. Either way I think we can agree its not right to see her tits out.
Not much else one can say about this gallery other than its entirely wrong and it shouldnt exist and I want that bed.
For those of you who saw that last gallery and were offended by it I offer you a little bit of sexy ass met-art to act as some “Eye Bleach” and get things cleared up. I cant garuntee you’ll get an errection but I can garuntee that if you dont you should consider heading to your local gay bar.
Holy fuck I’ve been blinded. I’m sorry for any mispellings or mistypings that happen in this post but I cant be blamed because my eyes have shut down almost entirely in a desperate act of self preservation. I’m seeing 200/20 and i’m lucky to have gotten that back.
I dont know what the scenario here is but I think its “old women having breakfast then needing some cock” because after a big bowl of Raisan Bran I know that the first thing my grandmother could think of was getting her tits out. No, seriously.
THIS HONESTLY LOOKS LIKE MY GRANDMOTHERS HOUSE. I BET IT DOES YOURS TOO. I mean shit I almost have to give props to this photographer because frankly we’ve got a winner here. I’ve thought about it and mulling over the images that are burned for eternity in my brain and I’m pretty sure they barged into some old bitches house right at the pinnacle of both breakfast and Alzheimers disease and just started filming.
One of the things that elevates this to an unparelled level of nausea has to be the giant neon green dildo she has at the breakfast table. I dont know why she needs it handy while drinking her morning juice but yet here it is.
If i was Raisan Bran I would sue because this is the worst case of product placement infringement I’ve ever seen in my goddamned life. I dont think I could ever eat their products again ever. Or breakfast. Or food.
Suprising to see that a 914 year old woman’s vagina doesnt really look all that different though than say, a 25 year old whores. Probably a bit dryer.
Anyways I’m going to go whimper in the dark for a while. This may be the end of my entries on the Porn Cynic because I cant fucking see well enough to review galleries any more, I dont think you want to hear “that red blob is sort of out of shape” and if I do get my sight back long enough to find a gun I’m blowing my brains out to end the pain.
Good lord.
Good christ in heaven.
I’m almost speechless.
This crazed monkey bitch has sent my cock into a recession.
How can you not look at this and immediately think planet of the apes?
Need a little help? here ya go:
Good lord lady. First off you have no business being shot out in the sun because you’ve got more sun damage than anyone I’ve ever seen. I mean its a wonder you’re not a giant amorphous blob of cancer cells and freckles. Well you re pretty close to it.
The leathery look of your face makes me want to cringe and vomit at the same time. This is particularly annoying because I don’t know how to perform those two acts at the same time without getting my lunch all over myself.
Pay attention ladies and gentlemen, this is what you’ll look like if you or your lady friend spends her time in the tanning booths this summer. Great if you don’t plan to live past 30, not so much later in life. I cant stress this enough. I’d rather fuck an Italian handbag.
Hey but the good news is this train wreck doesn’t stop at the neck, hell no. We can descend right into nightmarish hell by letting her take that insanely over-sized grandma bra off to uncover what might undoubtedly be the worst boob job in existence, and i have seen medical records for court cases of saline implants. Lady, you’ve got a settlement on your head large enough to possibly undo some of the damage. Not much. I mean Most people are still going to want to fuck an alligators corpse but if you can get someone drunk enough to confuse you and a snakeskin shoe you’re in luck.
I am grateful however that the photographer never let her pants get off. If we continue to descend into the abyss I can say without a doubt there is quite the chance that her vagina is in fact, cthulhu, and viewing it would simply drive what sanity we have left away.
Don’t get me wrong I’d probably grind one out on this woman if I was 45 and lonely. I just don’t want to see it on my internet.
THIS IS NOT OKAY
THIS IS NOT OKAY
THIS IS NOT OKAY
Yeah, holy FUCK is about all I can say about this. I’m looking for some hot anal porn, and amongst the beautiful galleries of girls getting their assholes stuffed by cock I find this gem. I mean, wow. If a guy is looking for anal sex porn, he isn’t looking for pics of a girl ramming a dude in the ass with a strap-on. That’s a little too close to homosexuality for me, or anyone I know, really. I mean any guy that is looking to jerk off to some XXX ass fucking is going to see this shit, and NEVER LOOK AT 6BUCKANAL AGAIN.
Now, I’m going to God damned disect this monstrosity. I think this is supposed to be one of those fem-dom type things. The problem, though, is that it doesn’t stay true to that niche. The guy has the outfit going, leather restraints and the like, but the girl does not. She’s wearing a sexy purple lingerie thingie, I guess that’s a staple for any dominatrix when they’re about to throw down. To be honest it looks almost like she showed up expecting what the site offers, anal sex. The gallery starts off with the guy tonguing her asshole, which is pretty normal for anal porn. She then starts to put his leather shit on, she looks okay with this. Then when she has her strap-on and he’s kinda biting it she has, what I can only describe as, a nervous laugh. BUT HE IS LOVING THIS SHIT, HE LIVES FOR THE BLACK DILDO. She then..begins to milk him? I guess? I don’t think even she knows what’s going on here, I know I sure don’t, and I’m sure the photographer has already left the building and left the camera going on timer.
Throughout the entire shoot this girl has this look on her face like she just isn’t comfortable with what’s going on, all the while the dude has a look on his face like he’s been leading his life to this one moment. I think my favorite picture in this set is easily the one where she has a dildo in his ass while simultaneously pinching his testicles. How’s that for an “owned” picture, internet geeks?
Leaving the container of lube in shot? Excellent touch. Except, not at all. You’re fucking lazy and should be hung for making a gallery that not only has no place on the “6BuckAnal” site, but also manages to make it so I can’t sleep for days.
This gallery proves, yet again, that 6Buck* isn’t even worth the “cheap” admission.
Honestly, this is a pretty good gallery. The girls are hot, and the outfits are fucking sexy. I’m not even a fan of “cosplay” or even girl on girl porn, but I can admit this is pretty hot. At least, in comparison to the rest of the shit I’ve seen.
To point out the negative, the lighting is a little fucked, it’s dark and for some reason there’s a red light beaming down on them..I’m not sure what it’s supposed to signify. It makes me think of that Seinfeld episode, actually, where the character Kramer ends up with a bright red light from Kenny Rogers’ Roasters beaming into his windows. The scene so obviously takes place indoors. Honestly, folks, if you want to make your ’stage’ somewhere outdoors, you may want to make sure the floor isn’t God damned white.
The girl that is supposed to be a cop, is wearing an outfit that…isn’t at all like a police officer’s. I mean, she has a hat that is similar but, what cops do you guys see wearing black, tight, short skirts and stripper boots? But hey, at least she has handcuffs and a beat-stick, so that means she’s clearly a cop.
The cop car, is laugh out loud ridiculous, honestly. It looks like it just fucking strolled through a war zone, and has been taken on fire from anti-tank weaponry. Seriously, those puncture marks are at least 4 inches in diameter and go clear through the body. Ironically, the gunshots that terrorized this poor officer’s car missed every single window. Which is entirely believable. Now, in the first pictures you see the two felons are just hanging out against the car. Which means this car is parked. I’m going to be honest with you here. I don’t care how drunk I am, if I see a COP CAR with bullet holes that look as if they could take my head clear off, I’m standing the fuck clear. But, this is porn, what do we need logic for, right?
Christine conners is the newest chunk of change in the adult online piggy bank and she’s a peice of ass I’d love to nail all weekend long.
When her site launched, being an affiliate of the program she’s working with, I got an email letting me know she had some galleries up for folks to see. I Looked at a few, jacked off to a few, but one just kept coming back to me over and over.
Christine Conner’s Underpants makes me sad inside.
Ladies and gentlemen with a woman this fine you dont fucking need to prop her up on a kitchen counter and put her in goofy underwear to make me interested. You can show me her tits, her smile, that incredible ass of hers and I’m fucking sold. You insult my intelligence with shit like this:
Picture 15 though pretty much seals the deal for me. On the counter behind her you can see two things of note. The first being a huge bottle of fucking liquor and the second being a hulk cookie jar. Swear to christ this looks like any random backdrop on The Trailer Park boys. Are you sure J-Roc didnt film this shoot? TRAILER PARK GIRLS GONE WILD.
Just saddens me once again to see great pussy goto waste. Instead of putting her in the kitchen in front of your fucking kids cookie jar why dont you put her in your bed and slip a cock inside her. I think that’s what we’re looking to see
In her defense I took a look at the tour and it appears she mostly likes to wear decent costumes. I guess if all you can get her to do is put on novelty underwear and a see through top, well, I’ll make due
